Is it not amazing how certain childhood memories are stored forever in our memory banks? I still remember my grandmother telling me the story of a king who had to 'flee to Holland'. I listened with interest. And I understood. After all, I knew where Holland was. My mind reflected the roles of cotton and countless buttons which were some of the merchandise of Hollands haberdasheries store. My grandmother was sure that I knew and so was I - it was simple enough - the king had fled to Holland.
After I had attended school for a few years I couldn't help wondering why a king would have scooted to such a strange place to hide. Was it really such a safe place?
And now, in ripe adulthood I've been asking myself: What does this kind of "communication" between adults and children tell us? Moreover, is the "King-to-Holland" story an exception or does such total misunderstanding happen more often than we realise?
Let us look at this more closely and, for a start, examine the way adults commonly communicate.
Every time we talk, we use words. Words, however, are only substitutions for something else. How often can we be sure that this or that word has the same meaning for the other person? So, could we prevent any possibility of misunderstandings creeping into our conversation?
"I opened the door in order to come into this room and I closed it silently behind me in order not to frighten you with the noise which I would have possibly made had I shut the door quickly and therefore more noisily and I entered this room because I was wondering what you had in mind to do tonight..."
Enough! We simply don't speak in this way. We abbreviate, we delete, we generalise, we mind-read. But for those short-cuts we pay a price.
To illustrate: Without the lengthy explanation, the person coming into the room deletes some of the information: He does not explain why he sneaked in and came straight to the point. The other person mind-reads: 'He crept in silently because he wanted to spy what I was doing.' Or generalises: 'Every time he comes through the door he wants something.' Or distorts: 'Wonder what's the reason behind it?' His reaction prevents him from responding in an appropriate manner.
The sad part is that, unless we are linguists or at least aware of what's happening here, we do not realise that we are bogged down in confusion and misunderstandings with little chance fostering friendly and trusting relationships.
If this is an example of communications between adults, then between adult and children it gets even worse.
What is it like to have a virgin mind? How does it feel to have to learn so much from the grassroots up... the noise a pot lid can make... the taste and behaviour of an ice cube... the meaning of many, so many words? Then, the emotional tone of words. For instance, an adult speaks with an angry voice. For the child, the anger completely blanks out the meaning of the words. Furthermore, can confusion in childhood accumulate and lead to a confused adult? What happens inside the developing mind of a child?
From our earliest days, millions of experiences and impressions shape and reshape our outlook on the world. They collect a reservoir of ideas, interpretations and reactions. The child selects clues from this reservoir and connects them with the sensory input (the story of a king). Compared to an adult, (Holland, first of all is a country, it may be the name of a person and there is also a store in town. In this case, it is obviously the country) the child's storehouse of clues is limited and so, the concept s/he forms may differ from what we are trying to convey. The child, perhaps, may wonder how strange this or that situation is, but many things are strange during the growing-up years. Besides, as a rule, children will not ask questions just to make sure they have understood.
How widespread is such confusion? The other day I was taken aback when a visiting child addressed me as: "You little bugger". Later I learned that the parents used this expression often and, for the child, it was an 'affectionate' way of addressing another person.
Many may argue that it is impossible to avoid misunderstandings. Our lives have become too demanding and we don't seem to have as much time to spend with our children as we used to. True. And yet, if we are willing to take some care, we can improve our communication.
If parents notice their child's expression change from curiosity to puzzlement, this is the moment to stop and ask questions. "...do you know what that word means... who the person is... how it affects our lives...?" A change of bodily position may indicate confusion, swinging legs are often a sign of boredom, leaning forward suggests interest and curiosity. Their bodies tells us a great deal about their internal experience.
The child had to be aware and feel confident that s/he is welcome to ask, to interrupt (politely) or to question and expect an answer with the parent's no-blame, matter-of-fact attitude. Also, we have to take into account that, while some kids are outspoken, others are shy and need to be encouraged.
Sometimes we adults stumble over a word we don't know or a situation we cannot understand. To ask another adult to clarify - when the child is within earshot - provides an excellent model. It will encourage the child to do likewise.
Above all, we have to aim for a balance between two extremes: a) constantly checking and paraphrasing, and b) just giving an instruction or telling a story without any confirmation from the child that s/he has understood the full meaning.
Come to think of it, imagine the confusion in my mind which could have been avoided had grandmother asked the simple question: "Do you know where Holland is?"
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Copyright © 1997 2010 Peter Schmedding, Canberra Australia
Email the editor: Peter's email address