Procrastinate

			Seeing what pains others find
			Because of me.
			Wondering what to do about it...
			Should I try anything?
			Or is silence and abstinence better?
			Painful procrastination -
			Hours on end do I think of the same thing,
			Going through all the events in my head,
			Played through once again so painfully.

			No end to the vicious hammerings
			Of my own insults flying at me -
			Telling me how I have failed,
			Even through just being who I am
			I have failed utterly...
			What use am I to God when I question
			The very existence of myself?
			I whom he created
			And yet I who lie dormant in this realm,
			Occasionally trying something,
			Ending up curled up in pain,
			Or even worse -
			Seeing others curled up in pain.

			How can I always be so blind to the light!?
			What pain it is to be aware of something 
			So much grander,
			So close by,
			And yet unable to open myself up to it.
			Help me in this, my Lord!
			I cannot open myself up,
			I will spend my entire life like this
			If not for you...

			And more is the pain,
			As I know my way has already been opened,
			But I still have my eyes squeezed shut,
			Oblivious to anything righteous that touches me.